i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
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