I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Randomize
