I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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