ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
