people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
