I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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