this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
