if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
