i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
