I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
