My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
