Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
