I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Even my vagina gasped.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
