I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
