it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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