R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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