what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
