You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
