the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
