Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
