Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
