You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
