either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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