six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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