Whod you bang
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
