I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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