thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I wish life had little blips of pornography
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Randomize
