I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
