You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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