dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
