i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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