smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
