Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
