guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
