she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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