3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
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