Even the bartender felt bad for me
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
