I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
