Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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