also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
