I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
