Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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