im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Drunk is not a location!
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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