I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
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