His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
