i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
