Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
