broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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