Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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