I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
we're making bets on your personal life
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
